Proctor: Read these instructions before handing out the test.

You will have three hours to complete the test. Do not forget that the outcome of this test will determine what college you get into, whether you like your career, and whether you ever find someone who can love you. The next three hours are the most important of your life.

You may only use a number two pencil. Do not use a pen. Do not use a marker. You must live with the uncertainty a pencil with eraser gives you. Until the last second of the exam period you could change any answer, fix any mistake. But you won’t, will you?

Once you have completed section one of the test, stop. You may go over your work on that section, but you won’t be any smarter then than you were when you started. The questions will be just as hard, and the ones you skipped will still make no sense. You may sit silently, resenting your parents for creating you.

Proctor: At this point, distribute the test.

Do not open your test packet until I have told you to. You must feel the tension of having the most important test of your life in your lap. You may look around at your fellow test-takers and try to find someone more nervous than you.

Write your name on the front of the test booklet on the line marked “Name.” This is the last confident act you will perform for the next three hours, and the confidence evident in your handwriting here will belie everything else you write. Be sure you spelled your name right, because you often make egregious errors.

You may now turn to page two and answer the sample question. This question exists to make sure you know how to fill in a bubble and does not jive with how hard the rest of the test will be. Despite this, you do not understand the sample question. You may skip it and keep your eyes low to avoid a shameful accidental glance with a classmate.

Remember: if you do not score in the top percentile of this test, you will feel aching loneliness for the rest of your life. Begin.

7:58 am  •  8 September 2009  •  22 notes

Dr. Zizmor’s Chemical Skins!
Renown dermatologist Dr. Zizmor will coat your body with skin,
repairing the burns, tumors, and lacerations. With new fresh skin
you’ll be able to stay outside for up to 20 minutes, letting the
noxious atmosphere rub against your flesh — and 4 whole minutes in
direct sunlight! Stop by and you’ll be sure to say “Xiexie, Dr.
Zizmor!”

Zoni Language Institutes: Learn Chinese!
Want to advance your career, leave the ghetto, and navigate loyalty
interrogations? Study Mandarin Chinese at Zoni. Classes every day of
the week in the dark season, and morning classes every day during the
bright season. Master will be so, so happy you decided to learn the
Master’s shuohua!

A Crowded Subway is No Place to Abandon Your Baby
No matter how worried you may be about the People’s plan to euthanize
your baby, leaving her on the train is not safe. Your baby will not be
taken to an orphanage or hospital; a cleaning crew will dispose of it.
Please do not leave your baby on the train as a method of disposing of
your baby—use marked receptacles or a size 9 envelope.

Bud Light: North American Region’s Pijiu
The best taste — the only approved taste! If you’re drinking other
pijiu you are violating sections 6.77 and 6.78 of the Substances Code!
Bud Light is made with real water! (Failure to return Bud Light
bottles will result in two years of labor reeducation.)

Visit the Museum of Approved History
Children and adults love to take shelter from the atmosphere while
learning how the North American Region became as great and perfect as
it is today. All visitors are welcome to learn how canned goods and
clothing are made by spending eleven hours practicing. The cost of
admission includes free blood drawing.

Donate Blood! The Dynamic Leader Requires it!
Feeling woozy? No? Then make a weekly stop to donate blood — it’s fun
and it’s the law! The Dynamic Leader needs your blood to keep breeding
and expanding — don’t you want him to reach the center of the Earth?

9:40 am  •  14 August 2009