• Proctor: Read these instructions before handing out the test.
You will have three hours to complete the test. Do not forget that the outcome of this test will determine what college you get into, whether you like your career, and whether you ever find someone who can love you. The next three hours are the most important of your life.
You may only use a number two pencil. Do not use a pen. Do not use a marker. You must live with the uncertainty a pencil with eraser gives you. Until the last second of the exam period you could change any answer, fix any mistake. But you won’t, will you?
Once you have completed section one of the test, stop. You may go over your work on that section, but you won’t be any smarter then than you were when you started. The questions will be just as hard, and the ones you skipped will still make no sense. You may sit silently, resenting your parents for creating you.
Proctor: At this point, distribute the test.
Do not open your test packet until I have told you to. You must feel the tension of having the most important test of your life in your lap. You may look around at your fellow test-takers and try to find someone more nervous than you.
Write your name on the front of the test booklet on the line marked “Name.” This is the last confident act you will perform for the next three hours, and the confidence evident in your handwriting here will belie everything else you write. Be sure you spelled your name right, because you often make egregious errors.
You may now turn to page two and answer the sample question. This question exists to make sure you know how to fill in a bubble and does not jive with how hard the rest of the test will be. Despite this, you do not understand the sample question. You may skip it and keep your eyes low to avoid a shameful accidental glance with a classmate.
Remember: if you do not score in the top percentile of this test, you will feel aching loneliness for the rest of your life. Begin.
